I Got 99 Problems But This Pitch Ain’t One


Sometimes, you fail on a climb, and are unable to get to the top, or even to the base. This is, of course, nothing to do with you personally. There are many reasons to point to. Some people would say you are making excuses, but these people are just looking for reasons to tear you down.

  1. The weather forecast doesn’t look good, I don’t think it’s worth going.
  2. That crag will be way too crowded, I don’t want to go there!
  3. That crag is really obscure and crap, who would want to climb there?
  4. I’m working.
  5. I have something else on.
  6. I have to go to this family event, ugh.
  7. Surf’s up/river’s running/snow’s dumping.
  8. Ah sorry I’ve already organised a trip with someone else.
  9. I’ll be away that weekend.
  10. (Text sent late the night before) I’m gunna have to bail I can’t make it tomorrow
  11. I had a big night out last night and slept in and couldn’t make it to the crag.
  12. I had a big night out and woke up in someone else’s house IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
  13. I forgot to set my alarm.
  14. The speaker on my phone is broken and I didn’t hear the alarm.
  15. The car wouldn’t start.
  16. I missed the train.
  17. I gave my friend the wrong address and he got lost trying to find my house.
  18. The car broke down. He thinks we blew the head gasket.
  19. We ran out of petrol.
  20. My phone ran out of battery and I couldn’t call anyone and I didn’t know where you were.
  21. We got lost on the road and couldn’t find the crag.
  22. The road was too rough and we had to turn around. I need to get a Subaru.
  23. The carpark was full, we had to go elsewhere.
  24. We had to go and get coffee and food as we didn’t have any.
  25. We forgot the guidebook and got lost walking into the crag.
  26. We had the guidebook, but the description was really confusing and we still got lost.
  27. This topo is terrible; we couldn’t find the base of the route.

    228301_10102147743546547_749715654_n
    Where are we?
  28. I didn’t bring approach shoes and stubbed my toe and rolled my ankle on the walk in.
  29. I forgot my shoes.
  30. I forgot my harness.
  31. I brought the wrong pair of shoes. They’re just not working for me.
  32. I didn’t warm up properly and got flashed pumped.
  33. My skin is trashed, I can’t use the holds.
  34. My skin is in really good condition and I need to save it for tomorrow/the weekend/some indeterminate time in the future.
  35. It’s too cold and my hands are numb.
  36. It’s too hot and my hands are too sweaty.
  37. It’s too humid.
  38. It’s too wet, the holds are seeping and it’s spoodgy.
  39. It’s too dry, my skin can’t take it.
  40. The crux holds are over-chalked and spoodgy. I can barely stand to touch them!
  41. The tick marks are ruining it for me.
  42. I can’t see where any of the holds are, can we make some tick marks?
  43. I’m really tired, this is my Xth day climbing you know.
  44. I had a big gym session yesterday or the day before and I’m still sore.
  45. I’m having a rest day and I can’t try too hard.
  46. I went to the crag volunteer cleanup and works day and I’m just so tired from all that exemplary community service.

    10013561_297160017106406_982736967_n
    The real reason everyone goes to crag care, Morning Tea.
  47. This route’s too long and pumpy, I don’t have enough endurance.
  48. This route’s too powerful, I don’t have the strength.
  49. The crux is too reachy, I’m not tall enough.
  50. The crux is really scrunchy, I’m just too tall.
  51. My hands are too big, I can’t get any good jams.
  52. My hands are too small, I can’t get any good jams.
  53. My fingers are too small, the fingerlocks are really rattly.
  54. My fingers are too big, I can’t get them in.
  55. These crimps are tiny, I can’t use holds that small.
  56. Those slopers are just terrible. I hate slopers.
  57. This rock is really sharp! Ouch!
  58. Offwidth? Are you joking? I have dignity I’m not sticking myself in that.
  59. It’s just a stupid awkward layback.
  60. I’m not strong enough to climb a roof like that.402814_10150617783909575_1494795869_n
  61. It’s just an overhanging jug haul. Boring.
  62. A friction slab? That’s not even real climbing.
  63. I suck at vertical crimpy edges.
  64. These moves just aren’t interesting. I don’t like this route.
  65. I guess the moves are ok. But I’m just not inspired.
  66. I don’t like the bolting, the clips are in stupid places and it’s done badly.
  67. The bolts are old and dodgy. Someone else should rebolt this.
  68. I couldn’t get any good gear, so I bailed.
  69. This route looks way too run out. No way.
  70. I’m not in the mood to lead. Can we toprope something instead?
  71. I’m too scared of the fall, I can’t commit to the crux.
  72. It’s just another consumer sport clip-up.
  73. It’s been downgraded in the new guide? But I did really well on it!
  74. Hah, always thought it was a sandbag. It was really hard for me. I knew it’d get upgraded.
  75. I can’t remember the footholds, I keep blowing the sequence!
  76. Argh I went for it with the wrong hand! Again!
  77. I just don’t want it enough, I keep letting go.
  78. I’m too nervous, I want it too much. I need to let it go.
  79. Dammit you short-roped me again! Hey uhhh…you do know how to use a Grigri right?
  80. THUMP
  81. Man…those newbies just had a pretty close call. I’m pretty rattled. Can we leave?
  82. Oh shiiiiit…I think I just did my pulley tendon….again
  83. My elbow tendonitis is flaring up real bad. No, I haven’t been icing or stretching, why?
  84. Flapper!
  85. Ooof, I split my tip.
  86. I’m bleeding.
  87. My shoulder is really sore now I think I should stop.
  88. Aaah! My ankle! Why’d you have to put that pad right there!
  89. Yeah the rope burn is really starting to sting a LOT. I should have listened when you told me about my leg behind the rope.
  90. Back-clipped?! Really! I’ll try and downclimb…
  91. Let me just have one more go at stick-clipping the first bolt. 8th time’s the charm!
  92. This clip would definitely be easier if I had new quickdraws.
  93. I need a lighter rope, the drag is killing me.
  94. If I had some new X4s I wouldn’t have to worry about the gear in that section and I’d totally cruise it.
  95. I’m out of chalk. Also can I borrow some finger tape?
  96. I’m sorry I just can’t stop thinking about the problems I’m having right now in my life, I love you guys!
  97. I hate everybody I know. Especially you. I’m going to sulk over here.
  98. Gravity is definitely higher today. Because of the distance to the equator. Seriously, look how heavy this pack has gotten!
  99. I’m just not climbing well enough to do this today.486247_10151391964917394_1913001369_n
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2 thoughts on “I Got 99 Problems But This Pitch Ain’t One

  1. Gravity is definitely higher today. Because of the distance to the equator. Seriously, look how heavy this pack has gotten!

    That’s amazing, I am totally using that one in the future x.x šŸ˜€

  2. It hasn’t made the list but I heard the best excuse ever at Arapiles, on Kachoong. I was told someone lobbed off because it’s “More fun anyways!” and on the second go “To get the falling photo we missed last time.”

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